monday, neat day. i’ve mentioned before that i try not to take praise or criticism too personally. as not to overly inflate my ego or squash my hope. both are exhausting. coming down from thinking that i’m awesome because someone said oh hey you’re awesome or picking myself up because someone said you’re garbage. you suck. it takes practice & i try to practice daily. just like my morning walk. it’s exercise but it more than that. it’s a ritual. believing in my voice, first.

on growing up with an old brother: he loved me but had a funny way of showing it. i wanted to be in his light so i didn’t mind that he found sport in teasing me. i didn’t mind at the time. until i did. until i realized that the teasing was internalized in ways that shaped how i shared myself. if it wasn’t the sound of my voice, it was the size of my forehead & teeth. voice too small. forehead & teeth too big.

it should be noted that i have really lovely things to say about my brother & i will share more at some point. in a way that feels appropriate & fair.

when i posted this picture & shared the story about finding my nana in the shape of my face - that was just the beginning. it was validating to see someone in me. because i don’t look like my mother or father & i always wanted to belong in that way. add to that, the teasing from my brother & i guess i felt different. sometimes a good different but mostly confused. i stopped wearing my hair pulled back & smiling for posed pictures. smiling for pictures if someone was quick enough to capture - sure. but posing for a picture with a toothy grin made me cringe for so many years.

what’s changed. everything & nothing. i speak up on the phone, in meetings, through writing. i send daily video clips to my friends. 30 seconds of chatting about my day instead of sending a picture with no words. it’s silly but helpful. i wear my hair pulled back more than occasionally & agree to be in group pictures instead of offering to take them. & yet i know when i hit publish on this post i will feel vulnerable for a hot minute.

2010 has been about hurdling fear. determined to move over, beyond. create space for what’s shaping up to be a new theme for a new year. believe.