thursday, i see her, feel her. when i pull my hair back. i see my italian nana. helen. such a strong name for an incredibly strong woman. i see her in the shape of my face. i feel her in my eyes. filled with wonder & framed with naturally [too] thin brows.

it wasn’t until the summer of 2000 that i found a best friend in her. she was figuring out how to say goodbye to her 5 children & 7 grandchildren. it didn’t seem right that the woman who took care of all of us should be taken care of by strangers in a nursing home. even though she didn’t remember our names. she recognized & responded brightly to our smiles. my job was just a job at the time. it was hardly a career. so i took a leave of absence [but never returned] & together we moved out to the island. we took the ferry to martha’s vineyard. a place to call home. set off the main road but on a clear day the ocean was right there. gorgeousness.

it took a few days but we eventually settled into a routine. a rhythm. quiet mornings inside with tea, homemade cornmeal muffins with raspberries or waffles off the press & a movie. always a morning movie. the sound of music was one of her favorites. we must have watched it 50 or more times. afternoons on the deck with lemonade & snacks made with tomatoes from the garden. a nap for her while i prepared dinner. some nights it was just us. some nights it was elbow to elbow with family in town. we liked both. but i loved our quiet dinner dates for two.

sometimes she would just look at me. eyes locked. lovingly. in those moments i would find stillness as not to disturb her. i could tell that she was studying me, trying to remember. after a minute or so, i would look in her eyes & say hey you [with a big smile] hey, i know you. she was always quick with i know YOU. but what’s your name. she accepted maura when i would tell her but it wasn’t my name that she believed. she believed my smile. when i smiled she always smiled back. when i held her hand she would squeeze back as if to say i trust you. she was saying goodbye. it didn’t feel sad. it felt like good. to be there with & for her.

9 months & 2 seasons later - i said goodbye. i stood up there in a red dress & told a story to 400 of her closest friends. she always wore red for special occasions. she was special.