tuesday, same sunglasses, different costume. transition tends to overwhelm me & yet i consider myself highly adaptive to change. i get lost in the what ifs, how to say goodbye, when to pack, what to bring, how much, how little, am i making the right decision, is this part of the lesson or am i moving away from the lesson. annoying yet valid background noise. the noise is what makes me, me. i think through things. different from not taking risks. hard to pinpoint but very different. once i’m officially across the threshold - i welcome that something new. i am in. 100% in! no feeling sorry for myself, no second-guessing. at times i miss something or someone - but that’s what memories do. memories travel for better or worse.

[minor detour] last weekend i passed a big patch of cosmos & i was immediately transported to the feeling of my nana’s soft hand clutching mine. she knew that she knew me. sadly she could not recall my name but thankfully her smile told a different story. her body remembered that she loved me, trusted me. a graceful transition. i learned so much that summer. i learned about letting go. watching her let go & letting go of her. all the while, squirreling away the good memories. there were so many.

 every morning i walk fast yet leisurely - stopping along the way for tea, picture making & yoga in the park. back home, a shower so hot & then…then things shift from carefree to focused. i recognize & struggle with the shift & actually hear myself thinking it’s time. time for work. time to do a great job & enjoy it. this is a choice. i am making more choices lately. some of them are hard. but they are mine for the making & keeping. it’s feels like a solid life transition. it’s a strange version of happy. but i’m happy even when sad. perspective.